He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
