so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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