I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
