Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
