I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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