How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
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She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
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After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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