I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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