I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
