Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
