I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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