She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
