I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
