doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I wish I only lived at night.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
