when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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