Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Randomize
