I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
