She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
