I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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