I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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