So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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