i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
