where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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