"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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