i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
