if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
