It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
