Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
