his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
