I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
