I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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