I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
