He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She bit a glass in half.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
