Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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