I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
