Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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