i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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