Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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