god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
