Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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