I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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