the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
