I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
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Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
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Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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