I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just want nice things and good sex
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
