so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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