You just made me feel so damn special
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
