Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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