I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
