I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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