I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
