i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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