I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Can vaginas get frostbite?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
