Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
